I'm no love expert. Anyone who has every known me, knows that. But I did just get engaged to the most amazing guy ever who is truly the love of my life, so I do feel like I have some expertise on the subject of finding or knowing if you have found, "the one."
By the way, I don't believe there is only "one" person out there for you, but I do believe that you absolutely do have the choice to find someone who is a better match for you than other people would be.
I know that I wouldn't have been as happy with any other guy I've met, as I am with my fiancè, Connor. He may not have been the only one out there for me, but he is the best one for me.
And you can find the best one for you!
If there's one thing I think everyone should know about finding, "the one," it's that life doesn't suddenly become some magical end to a fairytale once you do find the right person for you. I used to think that once my "prince" came, all the bad parts of life would fade away into this perfect story, where I would forever be happy and at peace with my life.
Unfortunately, there are still the every day stresses and problems of life, just as when I was single.
The cool thing is that once you do find that great fit for you, you have a life partner to help you through all of the things you used to have to do alone. And that by working out these life issues together, you become stronger as individuals, and as a couple.
Because life's problems don't suddenly disappear once you find the person that you're going to marry, it's important that you keep developing as a person until you meet them, so that you're better equipped to handle the issues in life that will continue and to be able to handle the issues that come up in every relationship.
If you're happy on your own, you'll be able to be happy with someone else. If you're not happy on your own, you won't magically turn into the kind of person that can be happy with someone else.
The important thing to remember is...
to keep living life to the fullest until you find that wonderful person that you'll get to spend the rest of your life with.
Don't sit there and wait for him, holding onto the thought that life will become amazing once he comes and sweeps you off of your feet.
Learn to be happy by yourself and on your own.
When I finally stopped complaining about being single and stopped chasing the wrong guys, I met the right one.
When I finally learned to be happy with my life and happy with who I was, my fiancè and I found each other, without either of us having to chase, or beg, or be desperate.
When I finally became my own best friend, I found my life long best friend.
I was at a point where I didn't feel like I needed him. I truly wanted him. I didn't settle for just anyone because I was just needing someone. I found a guy I truly wanted- a guy who would really add happiness to my life, even though I was already happy on my own.
So before you cry about being 21 years old and not being married yet (sadly, I've had roommates that have done this), or frantically download 500 dating apps, learn to be happy with yourself.
Focus on school, your family, and your friendships. Travel the world, work on yourself, exercise, eat healthy, and start loving life.
I'm not saying you should avoid men or any situation that you could interact with a man. But don't let finding your future husband be your sole purpose in life. There is so much more to you than that.
Life doesn't begin once you find him. Life has already begun, so start living it.
So now that I've done my spiel (pronounced: shpeal) on the importance of being happy with yourself, it's time to talk about how the right person should make you feel. I don't even know how to communicate how important this is. I have always gone after the wrong type of guys. Always. So when I finally experienced dating someone who was good for me, the difference was astounding!
I'm not saying that these guys that I dated in the past aren't good guys (okay, that's debatable on a few). But they definitely weren't a good fit for me. The girls that my ex-boyfriends end up with, will hopefully be a better match for them, and they will feel all of the wonderful things that I feel with my fiancè.
So how should you feel when you have found the person you should marry?
1. You should feel peace and true happiness.
No relationship is perfect.
I argued with my fiancè just yesterday about something as trivial as keeping or tossing out the leftover mac & cheese in my fridge, but even in the midst of a silly argument, I felt peace about us. I always know that we can make it through obstacles and that I want to make it through obstacles with him, because being with him feels right.
You should also feel a sense of happiness that isn't just giddy infatuation. It should feel like you've finally come home. It should feel like the kind of happiness that you feel when all of your family is together or when you do something kind for someone else. The kind of happiness that isn't short lived and fleeting.
Although you should feel true happiness and not just giddy infatuation, you should be excited about your future with this person. The thought of spending every day with this person for the rest of your life should excite you!
Unfortunately, I have talked with some girls who have said things to me like, "I'm not really that attracted to him or excited about him, but he will make a really good husband and father."
Hmmm....
Well, he sounds like he would make a really good friend!
But you are going to be MARRYING THIS PERSON.
You are going to have to kiss this person and tell this person that you love them and go on dates with this person....FOREVER! So make sure you choose someone who you truly love AND who is an absolutely wonderful person.
2. You should feel secure and confident in yourself.
Of course there are going to be days when you don't feel confident in yourself and when you wish you could do a million things better so you could deserve the person that you're with. That's part of life.
But on a regular basis, the person you are with should not hinder that confidence that you have in yourself. They should lift you up, encourage you, and see the best in you, even when you're not being your best self or when you're having a crummy and emotional day.
This doesn't mean that your boyfriend or girlfriend shouldn't help you improve. If their criticism is constructive, and not destructive, than ultimately, that will help you be an even better and more confident version of yourself.
But you should always feel like you are enough and like you are still respected and adored, even though you aren't perfect (because nobody is).
3. You should be able to completely trust the person that you're with.
This may have been the most shocking change for me, from my past relationships.
I literally have had these thoughts run through my head, since meeting my fiancè.
Wait, my boyfriend can spend time with friends and I don't have to worry that he's out with another girl or texting another girl while he's away from me?
I can actually glance at his phone without worrying that I'm going to see something that hurts my feelings (like a conversation he shouldn't be having with another girl)?
We are actually on the same page about boundaries with the opposite sex, and I don't have to convince him that flirting with other girls isn't okay? He just knows these common sense things that past guys have seemed to be unable to understand?
I can actually be away from him for a few days without worrying that he'll lose interest in me or start texting a new girl or start having interest in a new girl or a past girl?
It has been so fantastic to not have to worry about what my fiancè is doing. I completely trust him. We do get jealous occasionally, but we have never argued about jealousy. We put each others feelings first so that there is no reason to ever have to argue about jealousy and trust type issues.
When you've found the right person for you, jealousy should never be that big of an issue. Period.
If you've found the right one, you won't have to make him wear a diaper in public, because you'll trust him.
4. You shouldn't feel like you ever have to play games or feel like the person you are with is playing games with you.
This was also a shocking change for me.
Connor and I have never played a single game with each other. We didn't have to because neither of us felt like we had to win the other person over by playing manipulative games.
Right before I met Connor, I told my mom that I think it's normal to play games when you're dating someone. I told her that everyone plays games in relationships. I truly thought that was the case until I met Connor.
Boy, was I wrong.
When you're with a good fit for you, you should both adore and respect each other enough to not have to play any games. If you feel like you're having to manipulate someone into liking you more or having to do certain things to get them to be more interested in you, than you may be going after the wrong person.
You won't have to chase or manipulate the right person.
5. You should be able to be completely yourself with this person.
In every other relationship I've had, I've felt like I had to change things about myself in order to fit the mold that the person that I was dating wanted.
I have never felt that way with Connor. He knows everything about me. Everything.
And he still loves me.
We both try to help each other be our best selves, but we don't try to change each others personalities or core values and beliefs.
We are on the same page about the most important things, and we respect our different opinions about the smaller things.
Of course there are first date jitters and you may be nervous around someone for awhile until you get more comfortable, but eventually you should be able to feel comfortable and truly yourself with them.
You should be able to relax and not constantly feel like you need to impress them.
Connor has seen me sick, when I have messy bed head and no make up on, and I still feel beautiful around him.
No matter what I look like or what I'm doing, I feel beautiful around him and no matter what he looks like or what he is doing, he is the most handsome and wonderful person to me.
You might be asking yourself, "But what if I don't feel this way in my relationship?"
My answer is simple.
Do your best to do your part in making these things happen. Sometimes we don't feel as happy as we should in a relationship because we aren't doing our part to make the relationship as great as it could be.
Make sure you are instilling confidence in your partner, that you are trying your best to be confident and emotionally stable on your own (without the approval of someone else), that you, yourself, are being trustworthy, that you are reasonable about your jealousy (if you're jealous for no good reason, than that's your problem, not your partners), and make sure you're doing your best to not play manipulative games.
If you've done your part and are trying your best, and you still don't feel happy, at peace, or confident and your partner and you still have a million jealousy issues, than it's very likely that you're in the wrong relationship.
And that brings me back to the point about the importance of being happy on your own.
Never stay in a relationship just because you're afraid of being single again or you feel like you're never going to find someone else again.
If I had stayed in relationships just because I didn't want to be alone or I was afraid that a better fit for me wasn't out there, I would still be with my high school boyfriend, and that would be all sorts of disaster.
Who you marry is the most important decision you'll ever make.
So get it through your head that You CAN be happy on your own and you WILL find someone who makes you happy in ways you've never experienced before.
I really am no love expert, but these are a few things that I've learned through the years. You can take it or leave it. But I can tell you that finding the right person is worth the wait. It's worth the tears and breakups with the wrong people. It's worth learning to be happy on your own.
Very wise and well said.
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